Mo Money Less Problems?

The older I get, the more concerned about money I become. Being in a relationship adds an interesting twist to this issue. When both people in a relationship are concerned about their finances (in this modern world where men don't pay for everything anymore) paying for things becomes a lot more complicated. Bills get split in half, or one person promises to pay the other back somehow. It adds stress -- stress which some people might say is unavoidable today. Money governs our lives, even our love lives, and it's difficult to set it aside and focus on the more important things.

Things get particularly tricky once a couple gets married. A survey conducted by Citibank on divorce in the United States suggested that more than fifty percent of divorced couples cited money problems as the cause of their divorce. Furthermore, starting in 1980, socioeconomic status began to affect divorce rates: the rate of divorce among college graduates had by 2002 dropped to near 20%, roughly half that of non-college graduates.

Does this scare you? It scares me. Shouldn't love exist separately from the bonds of financial/economic status? Have we reached a point (or maybe we have always been at this point) where money is more important than love? I seriously hope not.

Wedding Bells

Is it just me, or is the wedding spirit EVERYWHERE this season? Everybody wants to get married in the summertime right? Hence, you get couples grappling for dates and locations, writing invitations, finding dresses, ordering decorationss (or is that just the bride and her family?). It's a particularly interesting time for those young unmarried persons who are invited to all of these weddings. And it's ESPECIALLY interesting when one of the people getting married is your sister.

Following her around last week from bridal salon to bridal salon, I was overwhelmed by everything. Looking for the perfect dress for the perfect price, trying on a gazillion dresses before rushing to the next place for more hurried dressing up. My sister and I have always been inseparable, so it was a bit of an emotional ride going through this with her. Seeing your older sister (who you scampered around, climbed trees, argued, and shared boy secrets with) attired in a white satin wedding gown is quite surreal...the whole thing really hits you.

It started making me think about my own future and potential marriage. I'm only 21, so I don't expect to hear wedding bells for quite sometime, but it's going to happen (and that's scary!). I found myself looking at my sister in the dresses and wondering how I would look in them. I started to put myself in her shoes...and it sort of played psychological tricks on me! I would look in the mirror and think, "I should lose weight so that I'll look perfect in my wedding dress," before realizing that I had years to worry about that. My sister would send me decorations, and I'd examine them as if they were for my own wedding. Then I started worrying about whether or not I'd be able to find the right person to marry at all. I'd look at my sister and her fiancee and feel jealous that she'd found THE ONE GUY and I hadn't. And then I reminded myself that I'm WAY too young to be worrying about these things. It was silly!

I talked to one of my friends whose sister is already married, and she relieved me by admitting to having experienced similar symptoms. "It just kind of happens..." she said, "You can't avoid it. It gets you thinking about your own life and relationships, and you get freaked out!" It felt good to know I wasn't the only one who'd felt this way. After awhile, the psychosis wore off, but the wedding invitations are still pouring in. It's weird to think that my friends might be getting invitations from me 5-10 years from now...

Dropping the "L Bomb"

In every long-term relationship you reach the point when one of you drops the L Bomb. (For those of you who aren’t down with the lingo, the L Bomb means saying “I love you”.) This can be a very special moment or a very awkward one, depending on whether or not both partners are ready to say those 3 little words. So what are you supposed to do if you take the initiative; go out on a limb; pour out your feelings to the person you love…and he isn’t ready to reciprocate?

Ugh. Just thinking about it makes me cringe. In this situation, so many conflicting emotions come into play: you don’t want your partner to say something he doesn’t really mean, but you also don’t want to be rejected. Saying “I love you” takes a lot of courage, and hearing an “…I’m sorry…I’m not ready to say it yet…” after mustering up all of that energy feels like having the wind knocked out of you. But don’t have an internal melt down! The key word is “yet”.

Realistically, two people don’t always fall in love at the same time. It hurts knowing that you are alone in your feelings. But by telling your partner you love him, you may be giving him the boost of confidence he needs to take that extra step. Often, people’s insecurities cause them to withhold or monitor their emotions as a means of protection. (Letting yourself fall means making yourself emotionally vulnerable to the person you love, which is scary!) The knowledge that someone else truly does love them can help emotionally withdrawn partners come out of their shells.

This is not to say that every partner unable to say “I love you” is emotionally withdrawn. It may be that he truly does not love you back. But regardless of why the words won’t come, just give it time. Be proud and happy that you have these feelings right now and were able to express them, and give your partner the patience and support he needs. Pretty soon, he’ll be saying “I love you” too.

The Way Inside a Man's Heart (or Pants) is Through His Stomach?: The Domestic Fantasy

Last night, on a whim, I decided to bake chocolate chip cookies...in high heels. I bake cookies occasionally because they are one of the few desserts I know how to make (and they're downright delicious). I also like to wear high heels.

Over the summer, I'm staying in a rented-out frat house filled with boisterous college boys and girls. The house has just been remodeled, and I had the enormous industrial kitchen all to myself. As soon as cookie smells began wafting through the house, men began to appear suddenly, out of nowhere, their heads popping in like puppy dogs, sniffing the air.
"Whatcha bakin'?" they'd ask, their eyes wide, mouths salivating. Several boys asked me if I baked often, and many more told me they thought it was awesome that I loved to bake for the fun of it. They stood close to me and looked me up and down, asked me about myself, offered to help me with things...it was as if I had managed to charm a dozen men into complete submission. But I knew better.

I was massaging a fantasy nearly all males have -- the Domestic Fantasy: fifties house wife meets sex kitten (think Stepford Wives, but without all of the horror stuff). What man doesn't want a sexy wife to feed him, take care of him, and keep him totally satisfied? And does this woman exist? Absolutely not! If any of these gentlemen knew me at all, (and our relationship consisted of brushing past each other in the hallways for the past two weeks) they would know that I can barely cook, tend to talk loudly and often, have a room that closely resembles a pig sty, and thoroughly enjoy having my way. I also enjoy bringing men to their knees, so I played along for the fun of it.

Out came the cookies -- and the results were spectacular. Reasonably attractive woman in high heels + tray of chocolate cookies just out of the oven = the pied piper of men . They ate the cookies as if they were foreign delicacies, groaning in ecstasy; licking their fingers, flattering me, and proposing marriage. Now I call that a success.

It even took awhile for the effect to wear off. I had been marked -- boys I barely knew came to my door, inviting me to parties or simply wanting to talk; they'd smile and wave; ask how I was doing; offer to carry things for me. Eventually, things did calm down (and I must admit, I was a bit relieved), but I had discovered quite an interesting tool.

So ladies, bake and be merry, but don't let yourself be fooled by the response! No woman can fill the shoes of the Domestic Goddess forever, and the key to a man's heart is much more difficult to attain than through a cookie recipe. But if you're looking to gain some male attention, don't hesitate to have a little fun.

Maybe next time I'll try baking in lingerie. ;)

The Straight or Jumbled Path?

Dating is becoming increasingly more difficult these days. Whether it’s due to a rise in supposed pro-feminist views, an increase in sexual expectations, or something in between, the whole concept of courtship seems to be on its way out. Anyone have a problem with this?

Courtship used to involve a series of steps, (you know: a girl and guy catch each other’s eyes, they flirt, he offers to carry her books, takes her out, and eventually asks her to go steady?) all leading up to the eventual relationship. Sex kind of topped it all off – a reward for everyone’s hard work. The process seems fairly balanced – the boy is given the challenge of pursuit; the girl is given the challenge of restraint; both sides are forced to get to know each other before things get physical. It makes sense.

So why doesn’t the process seem to move forward anymore? Instead, it’s such a jumble of knots and loops that it’s difficult to know whether we’re making progress or simply going in circles. Particularly in college, dating has metamorphosized into a blur of partying and sexual activity. People don’t meet in libraries or cafes anymore; they meet at Sigma Frat’s kegger on a Friday night. A drunken fling could evolve into a long-lasting relationship or nothing at all. In a sense, everything has flip-flopped: instead of an ending point, sex has become a beginning that may or may not go anywhere.

This doesn’t have to be a bad thing – (safe) sex is great! Why shouldn’t it happen sooner? The answer is the process gets complicated. After sex, there isn’t a set direction in which to travel. Do you both go on with single life as usual, decide to get to know each other, pretend it never happened…what? Hence, the once-straight path is no longer a path at all.

So what’s the conclusion? Should the path be straightened out, or is this the “modern” way? It depends on what you’re looking for. But if a person is in search of a long-term relationship, sex first is rarely the answer. This doesn’t mean a boy has to carry a girl’s books for months in order to have sex with her. It doesn’t mean people should stop partying either. It means people need to work harder to get to know each other and figure things out before they leap into bed together. Isn’t it better to be both physically and emotionally attracted to the person you’re sleeping with? I personally think it’s more fun.