Dropping the "L Bomb"

In every long-term relationship you reach the point when one of you drops the L Bomb. (For those of you who aren’t down with the lingo, the L Bomb means saying “I love you”.) This can be a very special moment or a very awkward one, depending on whether or not both partners are ready to say those 3 little words. So what are you supposed to do if you take the initiative; go out on a limb; pour out your feelings to the person you love…and he isn’t ready to reciprocate?

Ugh. Just thinking about it makes me cringe. In this situation, so many conflicting emotions come into play: you don’t want your partner to say something he doesn’t really mean, but you also don’t want to be rejected. Saying “I love you” takes a lot of courage, and hearing an “…I’m sorry…I’m not ready to say it yet…” after mustering up all of that energy feels like having the wind knocked out of you. But don’t have an internal melt down! The key word is “yet”.

Realistically, two people don’t always fall in love at the same time. It hurts knowing that you are alone in your feelings. But by telling your partner you love him, you may be giving him the boost of confidence he needs to take that extra step. Often, people’s insecurities cause them to withhold or monitor their emotions as a means of protection. (Letting yourself fall means making yourself emotionally vulnerable to the person you love, which is scary!) The knowledge that someone else truly does love them can help emotionally withdrawn partners come out of their shells.

This is not to say that every partner unable to say “I love you” is emotionally withdrawn. It may be that he truly does not love you back. But regardless of why the words won’t come, just give it time. Be proud and happy that you have these feelings right now and were able to express them, and give your partner the patience and support he needs. Pretty soon, he’ll be saying “I love you” too.

The Way Inside a Man's Heart (or Pants) is Through His Stomach?: The Domestic Fantasy

Last night, on a whim, I decided to bake chocolate chip cookies...in high heels. I bake cookies occasionally because they are one of the few desserts I know how to make (and they're downright delicious). I also like to wear high heels.

Over the summer, I'm staying in a rented-out frat house filled with boisterous college boys and girls. The house has just been remodeled, and I had the enormous industrial kitchen all to myself. As soon as cookie smells began wafting through the house, men began to appear suddenly, out of nowhere, their heads popping in like puppy dogs, sniffing the air.
"Whatcha bakin'?" they'd ask, their eyes wide, mouths salivating. Several boys asked me if I baked often, and many more told me they thought it was awesome that I loved to bake for the fun of it. They stood close to me and looked me up and down, asked me about myself, offered to help me with things...it was as if I had managed to charm a dozen men into complete submission. But I knew better.

I was massaging a fantasy nearly all males have -- the Domestic Fantasy: fifties house wife meets sex kitten (think Stepford Wives, but without all of the horror stuff). What man doesn't want a sexy wife to feed him, take care of him, and keep him totally satisfied? And does this woman exist? Absolutely not! If any of these gentlemen knew me at all, (and our relationship consisted of brushing past each other in the hallways for the past two weeks) they would know that I can barely cook, tend to talk loudly and often, have a room that closely resembles a pig sty, and thoroughly enjoy having my way. I also enjoy bringing men to their knees, so I played along for the fun of it.

Out came the cookies -- and the results were spectacular. Reasonably attractive woman in high heels + tray of chocolate cookies just out of the oven = the pied piper of men . They ate the cookies as if they were foreign delicacies, groaning in ecstasy; licking their fingers, flattering me, and proposing marriage. Now I call that a success.

It even took awhile for the effect to wear off. I had been marked -- boys I barely knew came to my door, inviting me to parties or simply wanting to talk; they'd smile and wave; ask how I was doing; offer to carry things for me. Eventually, things did calm down (and I must admit, I was a bit relieved), but I had discovered quite an interesting tool.

So ladies, bake and be merry, but don't let yourself be fooled by the response! No woman can fill the shoes of the Domestic Goddess forever, and the key to a man's heart is much more difficult to attain than through a cookie recipe. But if you're looking to gain some male attention, don't hesitate to have a little fun.

Maybe next time I'll try baking in lingerie. ;)

The Straight or Jumbled Path?

Dating is becoming increasingly more difficult these days. Whether it’s due to a rise in supposed pro-feminist views, an increase in sexual expectations, or something in between, the whole concept of courtship seems to be on its way out. Anyone have a problem with this?

Courtship used to involve a series of steps, (you know: a girl and guy catch each other’s eyes, they flirt, he offers to carry her books, takes her out, and eventually asks her to go steady?) all leading up to the eventual relationship. Sex kind of topped it all off – a reward for everyone’s hard work. The process seems fairly balanced – the boy is given the challenge of pursuit; the girl is given the challenge of restraint; both sides are forced to get to know each other before things get physical. It makes sense.

So why doesn’t the process seem to move forward anymore? Instead, it’s such a jumble of knots and loops that it’s difficult to know whether we’re making progress or simply going in circles. Particularly in college, dating has metamorphosized into a blur of partying and sexual activity. People don’t meet in libraries or cafes anymore; they meet at Sigma Frat’s kegger on a Friday night. A drunken fling could evolve into a long-lasting relationship or nothing at all. In a sense, everything has flip-flopped: instead of an ending point, sex has become a beginning that may or may not go anywhere.

This doesn’t have to be a bad thing – (safe) sex is great! Why shouldn’t it happen sooner? The answer is the process gets complicated. After sex, there isn’t a set direction in which to travel. Do you both go on with single life as usual, decide to get to know each other, pretend it never happened…what? Hence, the once-straight path is no longer a path at all.

So what’s the conclusion? Should the path be straightened out, or is this the “modern” way? It depends on what you’re looking for. But if a person is in search of a long-term relationship, sex first is rarely the answer. This doesn’t mean a boy has to carry a girl’s books for months in order to have sex with her. It doesn’t mean people should stop partying either. It means people need to work harder to get to know each other and figure things out before they leap into bed together. Isn’t it better to be both physically and emotionally attracted to the person you’re sleeping with? I personally think it’s more fun.